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document updated 13 years ago, on Sep 13, 2010

Some people plan very carefully when/how/who to come out to. One of the big risks in coming out is loss of control — once the cat is out of the bag, it's impossible to put it back in; and juicy information can travel like wildfire. So some people respond by carefully managing the process of coming out, to try to regain at least a little control and autonomy over their lives.

Transgender people don't have much choice about that — when we go out en femme, we go out for all the world to see.

Nonetheless, there is one thing that we have control over. We can do our best to influence the "group-level politics", akin to office politics when coming out. (TODO: damn, I can't find the link right now, but someone described how important it is to meet individually with respected local elders, BEFORE coming out and transitioning in the workplace, because making sure you have enough support from "leaders" is important, before the larger public discussion turns into mob-like mentality. Just like trial baloons and running it up the flagpole, it's important to be able to gauge what consensus might be, BEFORE putting yourself completely out there. It's important to be politically aware, even on a local level)

(I think the "community elders" example is the closest to this. In some primitive tribes, if someone was going to do something that the community may dislike, but it's nonetheless a good thing, they're actually REQUIRED by society to first meet individually with all community leaders, and get all leaders' buy-in, before going ahead with their plan. While this smacks of an old-boys-club, it's nonetheless an accurate description of how things work in real life)

I realized how important this was because of my first true ally (Dave Eads). He actually became my ally specifically BECAUSE I talked to him so heavily about trans issues before coming out. I was able to convince him that acceptance/tolerance was the morally correct thing, and so later when I came out, he had already been long prepared to be totally okay with it.

And his support, as a community leader, meant that other members of the community were a little more supportive than they otherwise would have been.

(note: Looking at the world ONLY through the lens of "I'm only friends with people who can do something for me" is BAD. I don't intend to do that generally. However, this is one issue that is so difficult and so important to me, that I had to be more methodical and more serious about it than other issues.)

ALREADY ALLIES
name	status	community influence	notes
Dave Eads	Ally	de facto elder at FreeGeek →all others at FG	Bless his soul, he really really supports me. He says he got the idea of "radical acceptance" from me. He has much less internalized racism than I do (he practices what he preaches), and he has worked at a place (Fermi Labs) where elder scientists are openly trans at work(!!), and was totally fine with that too.
Susan Golland	Ally	→other women?	She has dated a genderqueer person (Bec). She has, at every possible opportunity, been supportive of me and my gender expression.
NEXT GOALS
name	status	community influence	notes
Janet Mitts	Transphobic	respected matron of FG →all others at FG	While she's older, and has seemed very transphobic so far, she's also someone who I have talked with individually, and she and I have helped each other out a lot. I think she would be open to talking about things individually, and is willing to seriously consider issues that are important to me, even potentially touchy ones. She is also, coincidentally, one of my best role models for strong femininity.
Rachel Newcum	Accepting	one of five siblings →Josh →Dad →George	She's one of my "role models". She seemed pretty accepting during Labor Day 2010 visit.
Aaron Howze	Unknown	staff at FG →some others at FG	He's seen me more en femme than many other people, and hasn't reacted to it in ANY way (visibly, at least). He may be accepting of it, he may not, but more likely he's at least tolerant of it.
EVENTUAL GOALS
name	status	community influence	notes
Dan Konrad	Accepting	has many friends in gay community →a few others when hanging out in gay spaces	He's struggled with coming out as gay himself. We've talked about how difficult it is to come out of the closet as trans, and he's seemed rather empathetic about it. TODO: he's maybe not a totally complete ally, but with more discussion, I think he'd be open to it
Josh Newcum	Accepting	sibling →Dad →Chris	He's never explained in detail about how he feels about it. However, we talk in depth sometimes, and he certainly has had the opportunity to voice concerns if he had them. It certainly seems like he supports it somewhat.
Bekki Newcum	Unknown	sibling →George →Chris	My history with her is rocky, so that clouds the issue somewhat. She was the first one I was "out" to. She knows how much I think about this, and how important it is to me. However, she's said some transphobic things. However, those were in the heat of a fight, so she was probably just using them to push my buttons. It's not clear if she really believed them. Her influence with the rest of the family is waning, because she's somewhat intentionally exiling herself from the rest of the family.
TOUGH NUT TO CRACK
name	status	community influence	notes
Bill Newcum	Self loathing		He has more homophobia and misogyny than most people. I suspect it's because he's secretly either a little gay or a little trans inside. He will react extremely negatively to me coming out, possibly up to and including cutting off all contact with me.