The Adam Carolla Show, recorded at the Jon Lovitz Theater, podcast published August 11, 2011

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(1:17:05)

Alison Rosen:   There's a petition going around online asking for Bert and Ernie to get married on an episode of Sesame Street.

Adam Carolla:   This is REALLY going to change things for the better.

Alison:   The petition reads "In this horrific age of LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender) ..."

Adam:   When did everyone get fucking lumped in with the gays? Really, what percentage is transgendered? Do you know what I mean? Let's just say I was a politician, and I was like, "Hey, transgendered folks, I don't need your vote." You don't think I could get elected? What do they make up — 30% of the population? Sure, I used to go to school with a bunch of transgendered guys and now I work with a bunch of 'em.

Adam:   Like, what the fuck, when did we start giving a shit about these people?

Adam:   Now there's all these variations — like "I'm a pre-op transgender, transneutral, trans fat"... shut the fuck up.

Adam:   No.... "I'm having hormone replacement therapy, but I still have my penis, but I'm not gay, I'm attracted to men." It's like "what the fuck?". I can't do the math.

Adam:   Every time I see Chaz Bono, my cock looks at me and says, "Huh? What do I do?"

Alison:   What do you say back to it?

Adam:   "Hide behind the balls. They'll protect you." They act as a giant trampoline. They deflect anything that comes at you. They'll protect you. The balls are scrappy.

Alison:   That's good because in this day and age, you see privileged balls. They're like manicured balls.

Adam:   Not my balls — old school. Grew up on the wrong side of the cock, you know what I mean? Had to fight and scrap for everything they got. Nothing was ever handed to my balls. They went to the underpants of hard-knocks.

(1:19:10)

Alison:   Do you just ever say to them, "Hey guys, you can relax now. We've arrived."

Adam:   They can't let their guard down.

Adam:   Just the other day, I saw my balls talking to my kid's balls about how they had to walk 20 miles in the snow just to beat off.

Alison:   But your kid's balls couldn't even understand, could they? Because they have it SO good.

Adam:   My son is playing Angry Birds with his balls, and Nintendo, watching his flat-screen TV with his ballsack. Nah, it's a totally different generation. They don't understand what my balls went through.

Adam:   Especially when your balls have loved and lost like my balls have.

Alison:   Your balls were the greatest generation of balls.

Adam:   They really were. They stormed the beach at Normandy. They were in the first flight with Doolittle over Tokyo. They were all there. Heroes, every one of 'em.

Alison:   But we're losing your balls' stories. We must write it down.

Adam:   Yeah, but we have to bring back the sack. I'll go get Tom Hanks and do a PSA.

(1:20:00)

Alison:   "In this horrific age of LGBT kids taking their own lives, they need to know that they are beautiful and their lives are worth living. Aside from those that are committing suicide, the bullies that facilitate these tragedies need to learn that homophobia is not okay. They need to know that acceptance of their fellow human beings would indeed plant a seed of peace that would ..."

Adam:   Oh shut up. Guys, shut up. Just get married, and please shut up. You're ruining my life. And what does the BLT stand for again?

Alison:   Lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender. "We are not asking that Sesame Street do anything crude or disrespectful by allowing Bert and Ernie to marry. It can be done in a tasteful way. Let us teach tolerance of those that are different. Let Sesame Street and PBS Kids be a big part in saving many worthy lives."

Adam:   Sure, they're going to SAVE many worthy lives. Yeah, Bert and Ernie butt-fucking are going to save a lot of lives. It's going to be awesome.

Adam:   Can you spell "felch"?

Adam:   What are we doing? What's going on?

Alison:   Well, the organization behind Sesame Street fired back.

Adam:   Oh sure, they have their fists up guys' asses, literally up felt asses, all day long. Of course.

Alison:   "Bert and Ernie are best friends. They were created to teach preschoolers that people can be good friends with those who are very different from themselves. Even though they are identified as male characters and possess many human traits and characteristics, as most Sesame Street muppets do, they remain puppets, and do not have a sexual orientation."

Adam:   Can I say this: What's with all the fucking training that's going on? Like, I don't feel like I had any training, and I'm fine. You know what I'm saying?

Bryan Bishop:   That's debatable.

Adam:   The whole thing is like "It teaches kids to share". You know what else teaches kids to share? You smack 'em, and you go "give that over to Timmy for a while, it's his turn".

Alison:   Yeah! Hear hear, child abuse.

Adam:   No, it works. I mean, Jesus Christ, what's going on?

(1:22:15)

Alison:   Did you not watch any educational television?

Adam:   I watched Speed Racer, and I learned how to DRIVE, all right sister? I learned that Pops Racer was a badass, and that Spritle and Chin Chin could survive in the trunk of a race car, in even an endurance race. Not an ounce of carbon monoxide poisoning.

Adam:   And I also learned that Racer X was Speed's older brother. That's right. But he stole the car, and went and took it against Pop's wishes. And he crashed and he fled.

Bryan Bishop:   Spoiler alert, thank you very much.

Alison:   I just started reading the book, Adam.

Adam:   Ahh, sorry.

Adam:   And the Japanese animators think we have huge saucer-shaped eyes.

Alison:   The person who did the "Annie" comic thinks that too.

Adam:   I gotta to say... I've said it before, but every once in a while, some celibrity gets busted doing the eyes thing ...

Alison:   ... yeah, like Miley Cyrus did that ...

Adam:   Miley Cyrus doing the weird eye-pull... Asian eye thing. And then everyone comes down on them, and they have to apologize to everyone. How about the way the Asians draw our eyes?

Alison:   Yeah, that is racist.

Adam:   It's the exact same thing as we're doing! We don't have eyes that are taller than they are wide. They're not fuckin' popsicles! It's how they draw our eyes, they're fucking 3 inches high and 2 inches wide. That's not us. They're making fun of us!

Adam:   So when Miley Cyrus does the ching-chong thing, all of a sudden she's to be shipped off to Rikers Island? What the fuck, you guys clean up YOUR eyes. That's not our eyes. We don't have those kind of eyes.

Adam:   And, by the way, no mouth?

Alison:   Yeah, what the fuck is that?

Alison:   Those eyes are shaped like little kick-boards.

Adam:   Yes, we don't have that. That's not us. That's a very ugly stereotype. And I demand an apology.

Alison:   I feel like I have not done well in school, and not gotten a good job in life because of that.

(1:24:15)

Adam:   I want an apology from all Asians and all the transgendered ... and the ... and the gay, the lesbian ... what is it again?

Alison:   Lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender.

Alison:   I don't know why they put them in that order, cause that's not alphabetical. It makes no sense. They must think it rolls off the tongue.

Adam:   Plus, shouldn't it be something that spells something, like Y.U.C.K.? Like an acronym? ... Let's work it out. It could spell something out — I can't remember it otherwise.

Adam:   GLAAD? Gay, lesbian ...

Adam:   ...

Bryan Bishop:   Why are you interrupting me?

Adam:   Alright. Alright.

Alison:   There's also PFLAG ... which is ...

Adam:   Yeah, yeah. Alright.

Adam:   It’s important that I teach my five-year-olds about guys who want to have their cocks cut off and a vagina put in their place. Alright, I’ll get to that as soon as I get home.

Adam:   Hey kids, wake up! You know... there’s a small percentage of Americans that are really angry at their cocks, and they'd like them surgically removed, and a hole put in their place. It’s very important that you treat them with a certain amount of respect, okay?

(1:25:30)

Bryan Bishop:   Hey, what time is it?!?

Adam:   It's 1:30. And... yes, I've been drinking.

Adam:   Natalia, sorry for peeing on ya, but it was dark.

Adam:   Alright, let's bring it home ...

Alison:   But how do I know if I'm talking to one of them?

Adam:   Yeah, that's the point. Alright, let's bring it home, Alison.

Alison:   That's the news, I'm Alison Rosen. Zip it, cunt!

Hilights are quotes that press (GLAAD, Metro Weekly, Pink News, etc) have suggested is busted language.

This is a third-party transcript, since no official transcript is available. If there are substantive errors in the transcript, email corrections to Dee.Newcum (at) gmail.

Many speech disfluencies were left out of the transcript, because the interaction between several people, in a live context, meant that there were a fair number of sentence fragments that didn't contribute to or affect the conversation. I understand that subjective decisions like this can skew the reader's view of the work, so I tried to err on the side of inclusion. However, this transcript took hours to create and proofread, and it was entirely voluntary, so it couldn't include every utterance, or try to precisely convey the interleaving of words when multiple people were speaking at once.

If in doubt, please use the timestamps to go back and review the original audio.