document updated 14 years ago, on Oct 16, 2010
Details about how gender dysphoria manifests itself.
Other people's descriptions
My description
- there are triggers that make it flare up
- walking past a full-length mirror (Looking at individual parts of my body isn't a problem. I have a lot of practice doing that. It's only when I have to confront the totality of my situation that the feelings flood back)
- really attractive women, especially celebrities
- I think this is why I've always considered myself "attracted to androgynous women", at least in terms of people I'm able to date. Conventionally attractive women are attractive to me, but they also induce feelings of inadequacy and self-hatred inside me, so my narrative that "I'm not attracted to conventionally attractive women" really means "I'm attracted to them, but when I hang out near them, my dysphoric feelings are strong enough to cancel it out".
- Also, I remember spending three or four hours at a time looking at celebrity photos as a way to be sexually aroused. At the time I thought it was a little strange, to go three hours without release. But now it's so much clearer. Looking at all of those photos makes me incredibly frustrated due to dysphoria, while also making me sexually frustrated because they're arousing (even though they're generally clothed, they still function like softcore porn a little bit). I conflated the two (dysphoric frustration + sexual frustration) in my head, and thought that the building tension was a good thing — a way to build towards climax. Now I realize that the dysphoric frustration just eats me up inside. I really can't/shouldn't do this anymore.
- ALSO, I think this is the reason why almost all women — even those who are extremely liberal — don't enjoy watching porn with their partner, even when they're totally fine if their partner watches porn alone. All women (including transfeminine people like me) are more turned-off by attractive women, because of jealousy, than they are turned on by them (even if they're lesbian).
- it's progressive — it builds over time
- Originally, I didn't feel any gender dysphoria. Of course, I had a TON of self-denial too, I didn't have a clue I was transgender for 30 years either.
- Months after I came out to myself as somewhat gender-variant, I STILL didn't seem to feel any dysphoria. For a while, I thought that maybe this meant that I wasn't truly transgender. But eventually there were enough other signs that I decided "no, I'm definitely transgender, so maybe dysphoria isn't a critical part of being transgender. Awesome! Dysphoria sounds like it sucks, so dealing with all the other transgender stuff but not this one means it's just one less burden." A few weeks later, the first VERY CLEAR instance of dysphoria happened. (yeah, thanks, fate)
- Now, it seems that whenever I take steps that are gender-affirming, it makes my gender dysphoria that much stronger.
- It's almost like when you stop eating for a while, eventually your stomach stops growling, your body stops being so insistent. Once that happens, you can go for a long time without eating. But AS SOON as you have a bite to eat, your body says "FOOD?!? There's FOOD OUT THERE?! OMG, I thought it was all gone. GO GET MORE OF THAT!", and your stomach starts growling like crazy. In that situation, eating makes you paradoxically far more hungry than you were a few minutes ago.
- Though I guess this makes a tiny bit of sense. Most people aren't jealous of people who drive Lamborghinis. They're simply so far out of their reach that it's not worth the emotional energy to worry about, even for a second. But if you suddenly started making more money, enough to be able to remotely afford one, you WOULD get jealous of people with Lambos.
So maybe it's a basic matter of doing what's pragmatic? (are lower parts of the brain capable of being pragmatic?)